


A World Without

by Nako13yeh



Series: A World Without Me [1]
Category: Black Clover - Tabata Yuki (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bad Decisions, Black Bulls Squad as Family (Black Clover), Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Family Issues, Gen, He couldn't take it anymore, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self Confidence Issues, The Jokes were too much, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:14:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23609728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nako13yeh/pseuds/Nako13yeh
Summary: Finral held out for as long as he could, but what if one joke was one too many?
Relationships: Finral Roulacase & The Black Bulls
Series: A World Without Me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699432
Comments: 52
Kudos: 222
Collections: IAmStoryteller's Best of Black Clover Fic Rec





	1. Without You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [solarwitchwrites](https://archiveofourown.org/users/solarwitchwrites/gifts).



> I dislike the way the anime plays on the "useless" gag for Finral, because if you play it with real life situations, this is the possible end result of that.

_“I don’t want to be violent… or have people be violent towards me.”_

It hurt when people told him he couldn’t live by those rules. They told him the world was cruel and in order to survive, he had to be equally aggressive. That wasn’t in his nature. It wasn’t easy living with a family of offensive spatial mages, not when abasement was all he could hear.

_What is that pathetic magic?!_

_You can’t even beat your younger brother!_

He was always pushed around and told his magic wasn’t good for anything. He grew up believing he was nothing more than a courier or a gopher for their needs. With his weak and expendable magic, what else would he be used for? He had lost his confidence and his only drive to escape that reality was to make the best of what freedom he had.

The one who had the most fun in life won…

But Finral was wrong.

Even if he enjoyed his freedom, he was simply avoiding his responsibilities. They never let him forget that. They forced him to join the Magic Knights Exam, and it was a miracle that he got three Captains to raise their hand. Yami was one of them. Finral chose the Black Bulls because they were a new squad with a new captain. They didn’t have well-established rules or a great number of people. It was the best idea he had (at the time) because no one expected anything from him; and because there were no standards to follow, he could be anything and no one would care.

He was high noble, thus well-learned and resourceful.

But again, it didn’t matter.

To the people around him, Finral was known as the Black Bull’s pack mule. It wasn’t particularly insulting, not when it’s true. He did nothing but errands or he’d port Yami or civilians around when necessary. _He was used to it._ It was fine, but when his status became a burden to his family, they disowned him. His carefree attitude quickly melted, burying him in despair and confusion now that he had been abandoned.

The Bulls worried when Finral came back one day without greeting anyone.

It didn’t take long for gossip to reach their ears.

_Such a shame!_

_What a disappointment!_

_A useless, eldest son of House Vaude!_

_What would you expect from a pack mule?!_

_I pity their house…_

_It seems the younger son would take the responsibility then…_

It was the talk of the kingdom because the Vaude were famous, rare spatial mages. After Yami had figured things out, he spoke to Finral to do some damage control. Finral told him he would change his last name to _‘Roulacase’_ and start over. He even jokingly told Yami that he would quit so the team wouldn’t be burdened or their reputation tarnished any further.

But Yami never cared for titles.

_Fighting isn’t the only way to defeat an enemy._

_You do things your own way._

Those words lifted Finral’s spirit, because Yami had raised his hand for a reason. If Yami saw potential in him, then Finral clung to that hope. It helped anchor him for a time… to know that he was needed and useful; it felt like a great relief.

Yami listed all the good things Finral had done.

Finral helped port Yami wherever he needed to be. He saved citizens that needed to be evacuated. He filled in as temporary vice-captain when no one else attended those tedious meetings. He handled the reports, he knew political maneuvers that Yami couldn’t think of, and he did paperwork for their damages, costs, and even partially helped with recruitment.

But even if Yami listed these, Finral denied it.

“If you transported me too late, I’d be dead.” Yami stated. “Same for everyone else you moved. You even helped me file Gauche’s transfer papers even if you thought I was crazy for recruiting an escaped convict. So don’t tell me that ain’t worth something…”

Finral broke, “Anyone could do that.”

“That anyone _is_ you.”

His chest tightened when Yami yammered on about how he knew the tricks and trade inside the Magic Knights or how he could talk his way out of a situation instead of fists and fury, or even how well he memorized most of the things that Yami allowed to fly through his ears.

After Yami’s speech, Finral was touched.

Someone cared.

Yami ruffled his hair and told him to get a grip.

For a time, it kept Finral grounded. To hear some of his accomplishments and usefulness to the team was gratifying. Yet even if that were the case, a lingering shadow continued to eat him. Slowly, Finral lost that confidence and energy. Even if he strived to be better, it was constantly thrown back at his face— whether it was his family or not— that it impacted him in a way he didn’t think it would.

It hurt.

He didn’t want to disappoint anyone, but he was stuck in a pit. He couldn’t do any better. Still, he didn’t let it take what little fun he could get. Finral flirted without commitment, he let the insults fly through his ears, and he lived for his friends. However, he didn’t realize the constant pain that he kept a secret was building up.

He didn’t realize until it was too late.

Like a long stretched out sigh, the numbness faded over time and he was beginning to feel overwhelmed.

Then, Asta came into their lives.

Finral started to feel something again.

A sense of thrill, fear, and… excitement? Finral didn’t think it was possible to feel that way. A boy with no magic still sought after his dreams even if the whole world was against him. It made Finral jealous. Why was Asta so strong-willed while he wasn’t? It was only then that he realized how painful his life truly was, that hiding behind that forced smile was nothing more than a broken soul waiting for some purpose or meaning.

_I’m going to be the Wizard King!_

That was Asta’s dream.

But what did Finral want?

His emotions, bottled up, were like a dam waiting to burst.

Finral tried to make sense of it, and it was just his luck when his father invited him back. Finral thought there was a ray of hope in the lifeless clouds. In his excitement of a possible good news, he didn’t tell Yami or the Bulls where he was going. One of his flaws was trusting too much. Going back to Tota was a mistake. His father only wanted to see the progress he made because of the incident in the Royal Capital.

When Finral wasn’t able to give out any information other than two of the Black Bulls (Asta and Noelle) had helped, his father dismissed him.

“Honestly,” Ledior voiced. “You haven’t changed one bit.”

When his father realized there was nothing salvageable about him, he bid Finral a good day and sent him out the door. After that degrading, godawful day, Finral wondered why he was fighting it? Why was he fighting himself? He should’ve known better… he wasn’t going to change… it was impossible.

What was he doing for the last six years?

Finral closed his eyes.

Maybe he should just give up.

* * *

**oOo**

The incident in Nean was the last straw.

Yami dragged him out of bed and made him port them all the way to the caves outside of Nean, only to find themselves locked in a battle with the Eye of the Midnight Sun. Yami called him his ride, and Gauche continued to yell at him throughout the whole thing.

Their words hurt.

After all, jokes were half meant.

Finral endured the struggle of porting all the children back to their respective families, all while he battled the pressure of his fears and the moral rightness of saving his friends. He overcame it when Gauche had bowed to him in respect; he had even begged it of Finral, which wasn’t something Finral experienced often.

Actually, not at all.

It caught him off guard.

But when the fight had ended and they had won the battle, Finral thought it was over. Yami was back, play-arguing about _usefulness_ with Asta as he had him by the head. Finral hated violence and sought to stop it by trying to calm everyone down. Why, because they were all high from adrenaline, not like he was. But as Finral approached, hands raised in surrender, he didn’t expect them to turn on him when he said that they all worked together.

“Yeah, except for you!”

That stung.

Finral voiced out in defense, but it wasn’t really to defend himself but more to convince himself that he helped. They didn’t listen. Gauche continued on about Marie until he told Finral to hurry up. Finral, resigned, said he couldn’t port them… not until he recovered enough mana to do so.

They just turned their backs on him.

“Don’t make Marie wait!”

“Honestly,” Yami huffed. “You’re so useless.”

Finral had gone silent after one last protest about their cruelty. How many times did he hear those words in that very sentence and tone? He really couldn’t escape it, could he? He lowered his eyes, glad that they were too busy with the enemy to notice his silence. He hung back, his chest tightening. He told himself over and over that it was just a joke meant to lighten the mood.

But why didn’t it feel like it?

After Yami bound the enemy with his Dark Magic, they still had to wait for Finral’s mana to recover. It wasn’t that easy. While Finral was a patient guy in general, the three with him weren’t. He didn’t flinch when Yami yawned and asked him if he was ready.

Finral knew it was coming.

“Please wait a little longer.” He said. “I used up a lot of mana.”

Yami and Gauche both expressed their irritation and impatience. Finral called them out on it, but Yami went on, showing Finral that he really wanted to leave the cave. “Don’t let it bother you.” Yami said, his tone made it hard to distinguish if he was mocking or not.

Gauche was easier.

Finral retaliated in the only way he knew how. It was to point out the obvious. He spoke about Gauche’s mana exceeding his, which Gauche just blatantly ignored. Then Asta decided to speak up and Gauche began to argue with him. Finral was forgotten. It was a relief, because at least Finral didn’t have to endure the pain of being their target for their… twisted humor.

Then again, it was too good to be true.

Yami’s stomach growled.

“I’m hungry,” He voiced. “Can’t you bring me breakfast with your Spatial Magic?”

Finral had been used for errands before. It wasn’t new. It just wasn’t funny anymore. In a defeated tone, he replied, “I’m not a delivery service.” Yami expressed his annoyance again. It’s not like he was the only one who was hungry. Finral felt it too, and he was sure Asta and Gauche probably felt the same way. He went quiet again.

The gnawing feeling in his chest was back.

It hurt, it really did.

Suddenly, Finral felt a shift in space, leaving him no time to dwell on his emotions. Yami was apparently looking at the same direction. After a second, Gauche noticed it as well. Only Asta had difficulty since he had no concept of what mana was. They all stood up and Asta followed. Finral was right about the shift in space as someone used Spatial Magic to enter the cave.

_Reinforcements._

The fight happened so quickly. Finral had no time to process when Raia copied Yami’s spell and Vetto destroyed half of Yami’s sword. When Yami started protecting all three of them, Finral felt guilty. How would he prove his usefulness if he couldn’t even get them out of a horrible situation?! Because of him, Yami had to divide his time in fighting and protecting them.

If only Finral was stronger…

Thankfully, the other captains arrived just in time. He felt relieved. However, he got distracted when Gauche asked who they were. Finral said he should be more interested, because honestly, this was their job. When Gauche said he only cared about his little sister, Finral made it known he was surprised Gauche even knew his name.

In the back of his mind, their taunting still whispered like tiny demons.

He tried to bury them by explaining to Gauche and Asta, who was listening, who the captains were. It served to distract him from his guilt and fear. The fight continued and Finral tried to stay aware enough to get out of trouble should there be any. But then, Yami called his name and gave them a task. Finral was exhausted and he wanted to go home, but Yami had other ideas; one that would take Finral’s life away if it could.

Yami asked him to port him high above the enemy, which Finral did. Finral nearly had a heart attack, because the enemy turned straight at Yami. He was the first to notice, and his scream called everyone’s attention. But Yami wasn’t fazed. This was his plan after all. Asta came and they double teamed until the leader was knocked out.

It wasn’t over.

Mana spiked and a strong concentration of magic filled the area.

Finral panicked, he felt guilty. Was it partly his fault for causing this mess? He knew this magic would take them down and Nean along with it. He cried out, saying he shouldn’t have agreed to go with Yami. That he should’ve been more assertive and said no… but he was a coward and he would always be a coward.

“I wish I didn’t join this squad!”

It was half-true.

He was afraid and confused and his emotions were all over the place. He didn’t want to die. Not yet. Not when he hasn’t made a single progress in the last six years. He couldn’t die yet. Yami yelled at him, told him to shut up and suck it. They were going to surpass their limits. Finral didn’t believe it. How could he? Yami had been telling him that for years.

It never worked.

Not for him.

Why would it do so now?

When Asta and Gauche agreed, Finral was confused. “You’re all insane!” Gauche even had the nerve to tell him not to give up. Where had he been the last couple of years when Finral needed the encouragement? By some miracle, they survived. Finral’s heart was still beating fast. Asta cried out that they did it. Finral agreed, but Gauche ruined the illusion.

“You didn’t do anything.”

Right.

He didn’t.

When Asta passed out, Finral was generally worried. He knelt down and shook Asta. Yami walked up to them and ordered Finral to get Asta some help. Finral shouldn’t have asked why. He already knew what the answer was.

“You need to be of some use.”

Why?

Why did it still hurt even when Finral knew it was coming? In his exasperation, Finral called out that he had been useful the whole time. Why couldn’t people understand that? Could they not hear themselves when they talked? Yami just dismissed him, making Finral’s world spin.

What was all that crap about surpassing your limits or doing things your own way when it was just going to be dismissed as useless?

Finral didn’t understand.

It hurt.

* * *

**oOo**

As they went back home, Gauche and Yami’s words were replaying in his mind over and over.

He couldn’t get rid of it.

Those weren’t the only words that he boiled over. Everything from his childhood up to this point echoed in his head. _Useless, coward, ride, wimp, carefree, pathetic, shame…_ those were the words that best described him.

It was no wonder no women wanted him.

Who would?

_That’s not true!_

_You’re a wonderful mage, Finral._

Finral felt his heart ache. _She_ would think so... but if only she knew what kind of man he was… she’d be disgusted with him too. Besides, Finesse was out of his reach. She had been for a long time. There was no need to dwell on her. He should be happy. Finesse would be with Langris, someone who was better than him and Finral knew she was in safe hands.

He trusted Langris.

_You bring shame to House Vaude, Brother!_

_We’ll appoint him as the new heir._

_He’s vice-captain now…_

_You’re just the Black Bull’s pack mule._

_I hope you’re fine with that._

Finral closed his eyes and tried not to dwell too much into the past. He was so tired… so tired of hearing it. He stared at the floor, feeling his chest tighten… even his breathing had halted just a little. He was tired, he told himself. There was a solution for that, one that had been on the back of his mind for a long time. It popped up every now and then when the hurt grew, but now… now maybe it was time.

“It was a good thing Finral was there to port Sister and Gauche to safety!”

His thoughts were interrupted when Asta animatedly mentioned him in his storytelling.

Right, they were talking about the mission. He forgot. The Bulls were gathered around the couch, listening to Asta and occasionally some addition from Noelle and correction from Gauche. Yami was busy relaxing and reading his newspaper, but it was obvious that he was listening too.

Asta had stars in his eyes. “Isn’t that right, Finral?”

Finral nodded and Asta’s story continued.

 _“Sweet Asta.”_ He thought.

Asta was the only one pure enough to pull at his heartstrings, but it was too late. Even if Asta continued his storytelling, Finral wasn’t useful enough to catch anyone’s attention. He was just that… an extra. He was forgotten as easily as he was mentioned in passing. A frown made its way on his face that he didn’t realize that the story had stopped and people were staring at him.

“Are you okay?” Asta asked.

Of course they noticed, because he wasn’t smiling anymore.

The Bulls started nagging and Finral felt overwhelmed. Even Yami had turned from his paper to speak a sentence or two about what the hell was wrong him. “I’m just tired.” Finral assured everyone. “Mana drain… I just need to rest. Don’t mind me!” He politely excused himself with a laugh fake enough to fool the others, but not Yami and Asta.

He didn’t care though.

Finral heard the others comment about his weaknesses. _Useless, wimp, lazy…_ Finral walked out of the room before he could hear any more.

He knew no one would miss him anyway.

* * *

**oOo**

Yami wasn’t fooled, neither was Asta.

The kid had just started getting the hang of Ki sensing and he must’ve sensed what Yami had. With Asta distracted, Noelle took control of the conversation by telling her perspective in Nean. Asta was staring at the door with a hollow look in his eyes.

Yami placed the newspaper down and made his move.

Before Asta could walk out of the door to follow their resident spatial mage, Yami stopped him with a firm hand to his shoulder. Asta gasped as he turned to look up. “Go and play, Kid.” Yami ordered him. “Adults need to talk.” Trusting Yami, Asta nodded without complaint and joined the others in conversation.

Yami sighed as he followed Finral.

It was tedious to walk up a flight of stairs, but it was worth the effort. He let his senses guide him to Finral’s mana. When he reached Finral’s room, he didn’t bother to knock. Instead, he went inside and closed the door behind him.

Finral was curled up on the bed, robe discarded, and a pillow over his head.

“I thought I told you to tell me if it gets worse.” Yami softly said as he picked up the robe that was hastily thrown to the floor. He placed it on the chair by the desk. “It’s one of those days, huh?”

“Don’t worry,” Finral whimpered. “I’ll get over it.”

“I was teasing you—”

“I know that!” Yami didn’t expect Finral to snap at him. “I know what a joke is! It doesn’t stop it from… You just don’t get it. I don’t want to talk about this. I’m fine. It’s just a joke.”

“I hope you know I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I know, Yami.”

“We can go see Owen—”

“And what?” Finral wondered. “What could he do to help?”

“Marx then.”

“I’m not one of those trauma victims.” He sternly said as he curled back on the bed. “I know you’re trying to help, Yami. I’m fine… just…” Finral scrunched his eyes shut as his voice wavered. Yami knew he wasn’t fine. “I’ll be fine by tomorrow. Don’t worry about me. It’s just one of those… _stupid_ … _dramatic_ days.”

Yami sighed and sat by the edge of the bed.

“If you want to talk,” Yami said. “I’m right here.”

“I just want to be alone.”

Yami gave another long sigh, knowing Finral wouldn’t budge. He could be stubborn if he wanted, but Yami was genuinely worried. This wasn’t as worse as last time, which had been quite a long time ago, but it was still something to be worried about. Yami debated whether to repeat all the things he said to Finral the last time they spoke about his achievements and worth, but he decided to keep his mouth shut.

Maybe Finral didn’t want to hear it.

“I’ll leave you to rest.” Yami said. “I expect you up and about tomorrow.” He stood up and walked to the door. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”

He closed the door and went to the rooftop to smoke for a bit. Finral had always been a little different from the rest. Yami felt guilty. Maybe he went too far with the insults. Surely Finral knew they were just jokes or a jab… Yami never meant anything by it.

It made him worry.

He finished off several cigarettes before he decided to go back down and exhaust himself out in the forest. He shouldn’t be worried. There was no need to be. He told Finral he expected him tomorrow, and he would.

Finral was always a stickler for the rules, he should trust in that.

As Yami went down, he felt Ki from three familiar Bulls. They should be sleeping already like the rest of the squad was. He took a long, deep breath before he entered the common room. He found Asta with Nero on his head and Noelle sitting beside him. The worry on their faces was clear as day, and Yami didn’t need this on top of everything else.

“Captain Yami,” Noelle called.

“Captain,” Asta greeted.

Yami sighed, “Take those frowns off your faces or I’ll wipe it off for you. I already have enough shit to deal with. I don’t need another one added to the list.”

“We’re just worried about Finral—”

“Ain’t your problem.”

“But…”

“Look, Kid, sometimes life is hell and you get out of it… while some days you’re stuck in the pit burning.” Yami narrowed his eyes, staring at the empty space on the wall. “It’s just one of those days.”

“He’ll be okay, right?” Noelle wondered. “From the way Asta described the fight—”

“It’s not about the fight.” Yami corrected. “Finral may complain, but he gets the job done. It’s a different story and it’s nothing you should concern yourself with.”

“But he’s our teammate!” Asta said. “Something is just…”

Nero flew out of the way as Yami’s hand made its way to Asta’s head. Noelle covered her mouth in shock. Asta had closed his eyes, but he was surprised when Yami ruffled his hair instead of the usual threat he liked to play.

“Just be yourself, Kid.” Yami advised. “Finral will be fine tomorrow.”

Then Yami walked away.

He stopped just outside of the door to feel the fresh cool air. He could still hear Noelle and Asta’s muffled voice from inside. Their conversation had stirred into talking about what Finral’s life was like. Finral’s a pretty open guy, but he never brought up his family in conversation unless someone asked.

No wonder he seemed like a mystery to the newbies.

“I heard from Vanessa that he’s high noble.” Noelle told Asta. “What if he’s…? I don’t know… having some trouble with… the expectations that come along with it?”

“Like you?” Asta innocently asked.

That fired up Noelle and she elbowed Asta and told him not to joke about that. Yami scoffed, allowing himself to feel a little lighter. Asta was too pure to joke around like that. It made Yami think. Noelle wasn’t wrong about Finral having issues with his family and the expectations that ran with it… but it stemmed deeper than that.

They didn’t know how bad Finral had it.

If you took away everything, you’d find a broken shell…

One burdened with responsibilities too big for one kid to carry… verbally abused throughout his childhood… all his confidence, _butchered_ … his whole family was against him… and when he couldn’t succeed, he was disowned… when he ran, he was blamed for shirking… he started over but never got far enough to excel and even then, his past haunted him from time to time…

So no, they didn’t understand how deep Finral’s problems ran.

Finral was quiet about his past.

Yami respected that.

He was one of the people that Finral had entrusted with it. Yami was sure that Finral hadn’t said all of it since all Finral would say was explanations rather than the whole dialogue… but Yami would take it to his grave if necessary. He stood by what he believed: that Finral was beneficial to the team. He may not think himself capable, or he might even believe he was useless or pathetic, but Yami believed in him.

He just wished Finral knew that.

Yami knew he made a mistake and he really had gone too far with the jokes.

Maybe tomorrow, he’d tell the others to lay off the running gag.

Finral deserved that much.

* * *

**oOo**

_I expect you up and about tomorrow._

Finral curled up tighter on the bed. He interpreted that as _“You better still be alive!”_ which Finral thought was helpful, but at the same time completely unnecessary. He just wanted to drown and let the feelings fade. Why did he have to be so emotional? And why… why did it still hurt even knowing it was meant to be a joke… just… why?

His fist curled on the sheets.

_You’re so useless!_

_Tough it out and surpass your limits!_

_You’re such a wimp!_

_Don’t be a coward, Finral!_

He had no tears to shed. He was done crying. It was just this hammering pain on his chest that wouldn’t go away. His mind continued to echo over and over, every mistake and every comment from the past. He never really forgot. He just pushed them aside until it festered.

Finral closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

 _“I’m not a coward.”_ He declared. _“I’m not running from this anymore.”_

He let the opportunity slip from his hands before. He wasn’t going to do so now. The pain, it was numbing ever so slowly. He knew what he had to do. If this was the one thing that would make everything right, he would do it. He just wished the world would let him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and tell me what you think~ Thank you!


	2. Without Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so difficult to write, both emotionally and mentally... it also came out way longer than necessary due to details, but I'm quite happy with it.  
> Although, you might not be...

Finral grimaced when the sun hit his eyes.

He turned to his side and hid under the blanket. He didn’t want today to come. He was hoping not to wake up at all. Apart from feeling queasy, he was also drained and a little numb. He had made up his mind last night, but now… he wasn’t so sure.

Why couldn’t he make a decision?

His head spun as he berated himself. After a little emotional breakdown, he finally decided that he was just feeling dramatic. He had passed several hurdles in his life; this was just another obstacle to overcome. Surely, as cliché as it sounded, there was a rainbow after the rain.

He would try and hold onto that.

Finral tightly shut his eyes and wrapped himself under the blanket as his mind started pouring dark thoughts in his head.

_You bring shame to House Vaude!_

_Why can’t you fight?_

_Such a coward!_

It was sudden, but not new. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He wanted to start the day a bit better, but the bitter side of him needed satisfaction. He wanted his comrades to know that it wasn’t _just_ okay, that even words could hurt. So Finral gave in and curled up on the bed. He would get out of his room when he felt like it. Maybe that would give everyone enough time, including himself, to see the situation for what it was.

That it wasn’t okay.

* * *

**oOo**

Noelle was irritated.

She wasn’t sure what the nagging feeling in the back of her mind was, but it bothered her so much that she barely touched her food. Her voice of reason told her it had something to do with yesterday’s conversation with Asta about Finral.

 _“Why am I worried anyway?”_ Noelle asked herself. _“It’s not like it has anything to do with me!”_

She grimaced as she sliced the meat on her plate and chewed it with a grudge. She turned her eyes to the others. They were in the dining hall. Magna and Luck were goofing around. Charmy was in the Kitchen. Gauche was lost in Marie’s picture, but at least he was kind of participating in the conversation every now and then. Vanessa was drinking, which wasn’t surprising; she did that all the time. Then there was Grey and Gordon, which Noelle wasn’t sure about because they were always quiet.

Then there was Asta.

Noelle tried to stop herself from blushing.

Carefully, she darted her eyes around, but he wasn’t there. Now that she thought about it, Finral and Captain Yami weren’t either. Where were they? She could understand Yami being late for breakfast; he usually was. Finral, on the other hand, was a little unusual. There were some days that Finral liked to sleep around, but she could tell that might not be it. He must’ve been really tired from yesterday’s mission. Asta, however, would always be a morning person.

Before Noelle could ask the other Bulls, the door opened.

Asta popped out with a cheerful grin, “Good Morning everyone!”

Noelle opened her mouth to ask where he had been, but Magna beat her to it. Apparently, Asta delivered food to Henry’s room. He was nice like that. Henry couldn’t really move as much yet, but he’s getting there.

Suddenly, a looming shadow appeared behind Asta.

His head was grabbed and he was picked up. Asta dangled, looking slightly stressed as he begged his Captain not to do anything. Yami walked him over to the table with a growl.

“You’re so noisy,” Yami huffed. “Shut up and eat!”

“I will! I just got here!”

Yami released him and moved to his side of the table to sit down. Asta took his seat next to Noelle and started chowing down after Charmy handed him his meal. The conversation resumed as normal and one would think it was just an ordinary day, but someone was still missing.

Noelle gave a careful glance at her Captain and saw him grimace.

Finral was one of the oldest members of the Black Bulls, so of course Yami would notice when he’s not in the room. Second to Asta, it was usually Finral who was up early. To have him be the last one up was a weird thing.

“Noelle,” Asta called. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

She startled at her name.

Asta stared at her with those big green eyes. “Seriously, are you never full?” Noelle asked. “You can have the rest of it.” She huffed as she pushed the plate to him. She was too distracted to eat anyway. Vanessa giggled and started teasing Noelle about her non-existent diet habits. Noelle blushed furiously at the joke. “I’m not going on a diet!”

Vanessa continued her teasing until she found another victim to play with. The rest of the Bulls continued their usual antics. Noelle found it strange that Yami wasn’t calling anyone out for being too noisy. Then again, she thought something was off with the Captain since he joined breakfast.

What was it?

In her distraction, Noelle barely noticed when the door opened.

“Good morning,” Finral greeted.

Charmy was the one that replied to him as her sheep cooks trailed behind her. “Good morning!” She called back as she hopped towards him with a full plate on her hand. “Here! Have some breakfast! It’s hot and delicious!” Finral politely thanked her, but refused the meal. Charmy was equally surprised, as were everyone else who were listening.

 _“Strange,”_ Noelle thought. _“Why would he refuse breakfast?”_

Yami sighed, “Something wrong?”

“I’m going out.” Finral announced a little too cheerfully. “Today’s still our day off.”

Noelle gasped at that. Finral wasn’t wrong. Today was _still_ their day off. That awful mission in Nean didn’t count since it was technically them doing their jobs. She opened her mouth to comment, but Asta beat her to it. Asta stood up and stiffly raised his hand.

“Excuse me!” He said. “Can I come with you?!”

“What?” Finral blinked.

“If he’s going, so am I!” Noelle declared without thought. She felt a little queasy inside, because what the hell did she sign herself up for. It was Asta’s fault! Asta said he would make an effort to cheer Finral up, so would she. Their plan was simple and stupid, but it’s not like they had anything else to do for the rest of the day. Besides, she was equally as curious as Asta to get to know Finral. There was nothing wrong with that. They were budding comrades, and if it meant becoming closer, why not?

Noelle expected Finral to question them, but instead Finral chuckled.

“Sorry, just me today.”

They were prepared to protest, but Magna suddenly called out. “Why do you want to join him? He’s just going to flirt with girls all day.” He sensibly announced. “He’ll ask her out and he’ll get rejected!”

“What do you expect?” Gauche grumbled.

“That’s not fun!” Luck declared. “Why don’t you join our training instead, no one has to hold back!”

“Finral? Train?!” Magna scoffed. “He’s not a fighter!”

Vanessa laughed, “At least Finral can fight for a girl if necessary!” She jabbed her wine at Magna. “Poor Virgin Delinquent can’t even pick up a single one if he tried. They’d be too scared to approach you.”

Magna stuttered, “Stop calling me delinquent!”

Finral was forgotten.

Everyone else started arguing and it got noisy again. Noelle scrunched her eyebrows together. How could they not hear themselves when they talked? She turned her attention back to Finral, who was talking to Yami. Yami had an impassive look on his face, but his hand gesture was a go signal for Finral to leave.

“See you later!” Finral announced.

As soon as he walked out of the door, Asta was hot on his trail. He didn’t even wait for Noelle. He just jumped out of his seat and made a break for it. Noelle gasped and puffed out her cheeks. “You’re so rude!” She quickly followed and ran after him. “Come back here, stupid!”

She didn’t notice the stiff headshake Yami gave when they walked out.

Noelle grumbled to herself. “If you have a plan, you should have the decency to tell me. You can’t just go around doing what you—” She stopped in the middle of the hallway when she heard Asta’s voice from the common room. She took a deep breath and slowly crept to the archway to listen.

“I’ll be really quiet,” Asta said. “You won’t even notice me—”

“Sorry, Asta.” Finral faked a laugh. “I just want to get some fresh air.”

“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?”

Noelle saw Finral tense, like he had been caught. Noelle was half-waiting for him to act defensive like he usually was when someone called him out, but Finral remained uncharacteristically calm. He smiled and said, “I’m fine, but thank you for asking. You don’t have to worry.”

“Okay,” Asta nodded. “Just let me know—”

“See you later!”

Noelle gasped when Finral ported out of the base before Asta could get another word out. Noelle puffed out her cheeks and slowly moved from the shadows. A hand grabbed her head and she tensed at the familiar weight and mana.

“Captain Yami!” Noelle cried out.

“Captain,” Asta turned. “And Noelle…”

“Stop bothering him, Kid.” Yami said with a grim look on his face. “He ain’t going to yield, not if you keep hounding him. This happened before and it’s happening now. The best thing you can do is to give him some space to breathe.”

‘Is he really okay?” Noelle found herself asking. “He looked—”

Yami ruffled her hair. “That’s not for me to answer.”

* * *

**oOo**

Finral took several deep breaths as he pushed himself off the alley wall. It wasn’t the jump from the base to the Royal Capital that made him nauseous; it was the feeling of confrontation. He disliked it. _“Get a grip,”_ He told himself as he took controlled steps out of the alleyway.

He was at the Royal Capital, might as well enjoy himself.

His sorrow won’t last.

Without a destination in mind, Finral walked around the Capital. He avoided the busy streets. Even if he wanted to mingle or go to a café to meet girls, he couldn’t bring himself to. It didn’t feel right. He just wanted to be alone and far from everyone.

_What have you done in 6 years?!_

Finral trembled as he remembered the encouraging words Yami had given him a couple of years ago. Yami needed him. His Captain never said it in those words, but it felt like it. It was enough to keep his depression at bay. Then he thought about Asta. He had moved Finral enough to make him think about his life a little more deeply.

Back then, at Asta’s exam.

_I’m not joining the magic knights to have a good time and avoid working hard!_

_I’m here to work my butt off and be the Wizard King!_

Finral clenched his fist and gritted his teeth. How does Asta do it? How does Asta stay motivated even when everyone doubted him? Finral thought about it. If he tried hard enough, maybe he had a fighting chance. After all, unlike Asta, Finral had magic. If he made enough effort, maybe they’ll stop their jokes and see him as their senior, right?

He’ll try, not for others… but for himself.

“Finral,” Someone called.

He tensed at the sound. Every part of him wanted to run, but he forced himself to stop and look up. At the other side of the pathway, amidst the small crowd, was his father. He must’ve gone to the Capital for some formal business.

Why was he alone?

Too polite to run, Finral closed the distance between them. His head lowered slightly as his entire body tensed. “Father,” He greeted. “It’s been a while since we last saw each other.” Ledior narrowed his eyes and Finral’s entire body froze as if he was preparing for a physical blow.

He knew what was coming next.

 _“Please,”_ He thought. _“Not now.”_

“Are you here running errands or are you slacking?”

Finral knew he couldn’t escape his father’s criticisms. He would never understand what he was going through. How could he? Ledior never made an effort to see through his point of view. It was difficult enough to hold everything together; he didn’t need more wounds added to his existing ones.

_I don’t want to be violent…_

_Or have people be violent towards me…_

Finral chuckled half-heartedly as he rubbed his arm. He couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to get away from Ledior. His father scoffed at him. “I wouldn’t expect anything less from a slacker.” Ledior voiced. “But it seems fate brought us together for a reason.” If it were truly fate, Finral would call them cruel.

Ledior took a mocking step forward.

“Correct me if I’m wrong,” He started, knowing Finral cannot- in all conscience- defy him. “I heard you were involved with the kidnapping incident in Nean.”

Of course his father knew.

Four of the Captains (Nozel, Charlotte, Yami, and Jack), including the Golden Dawn, had been involved. Everyone had submitted their reports yesterday and many of the responding lower mages were included, not to mention the entire town of Nean. Word was bound to spread. His father was also a former Magic Knight who had connections. With him wandering around the Royal Capital, it wasn’t entirely impossible for him to overhear it.

“Y-yes.” Finral answered. “I was.”

“Tell me about it.”

He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Why would his father want to hear from him? Couldn’t he ask his friends for details or wait for the official record to come out? Ledior gestured and ordered him to follow. Unable to protest, Finral blindly followed his father with a heavy heart.

They ended up in a restaurant on a balcony.

Ledior drank his tea as he listened to Finral with a little disinterest. It made Finral uncomfortable. He wasn’t sure anymore what made his father want to have this conversation in the first place. When Finral finished his tale about Nean, Ledior shook his head. Finral could tell he was disappointed already. He wanted to tune his father out, but it was impossible.

“Even in so short a distance,” Ledior began. “You already lost that much mana?”

“There were a lot of children.” Finral reasoned.

“You couldn’t even port your captains, the best of our kingdom’s military defenders, to safety when they needed it. This just goes to show that I had hoped wrong.”

“W-what do you mean?”

“When I heard you were involved I thought I would rejoice.” Ledior grumbled. “I was considering giving you a second chance at redemption, but I was mistaken to think you had changed. You’re still the same pathetic child who wept at the sight of battle.”

Finral lowered his head as his father continued to list his sins.

“Even as transport you couldn’t be of use.” He huffed. “What’s the point of having such magic if you can’t do something as basic as that?”

Finral wanted to answer back, but he restrained himself.

Why should he?

It wouldn’t have made a difference. His fists tightened around his trousers as he reminded himself to breathe. He couldn’t even look at his father in the eye. He thought he could get away from his problems just once… but it seemed like the world was against him from the very beginning. Before Finral could try and salvage the situation, Ledior began to compare him to his little brother.

“Be glad Langris is vice-captain.” Ledior announced. “If you had been my only son, you’d be a complete embarrassment to our family name.”

Finral’s chest tightened.

He felt dizzy.

“Honestly,” Ledior continued. “You would’ve ruined generations of effort that your ancestors had done. It’s a shame. Perhaps it would’ve been better if you weren’t born at all.”

Finral chuckled, “You’re right. That would’ve made things easier.”

Ledior shook his head. “I think we’re done here.” He wiped his mouth with the table napkin. “You’re of no use to me or to your squad. This is the last time I make any allowances for you. You’re lazy and incompetent. It’s best if we don’t see each other again.”

That stung.

“You’d do well to keep away from Langris.” Ledior mumbled. “We don’t want your incompetence to get in the way of his achievements.”

Of course.

Ledior took out his wallet and left a couple of coins on the table. Finral took it as _‘You probably can’t pay anyway.’_ which hurt even more. “To think you’re still a junior knight after so many years in the military.” His father turned away without a goodbye. It wasn’t needed. Every word he said was enough. Finral pretended everything was fine as he finally drank his tea.

His hand was shaking.

Finral closed his eyes and felt a tear escape.

He silently laughed at himself as he rubbed his face with his hands and turned away to look at the city. He didn’t think it was possible for him to cry over something like this anymore. And just when he thought he had gotten over it already.

Oh well…

This made his decision easier.

There was a way out.

* * *

**oOo**

For the rest of the day, Finral had finally dropped his mask.

He didn’t need to smile for anyone. He wandered around Clover, visiting different towns to make preparations. He had long thought about this… even dreamt it once. It was easy to plan, especially when you’ve thought of several ways in the past number of years to do it. He gathered what he could and avoided coming back to the base until late evening.

He didn’t care if the Bulls worried and wondered where he was.

Finral couldn’t face them.

Not after that horrible morning with his father.

He ported back to his room and felt his friends’ mana. They were all gathered in the common room, probably waiting for him. He couldn’t go to them. Why would he? They’ll just fuss and make him feel bad as he’d have to answer their questions.

Finral was already at his breaking point.

He couldn’t do it.

They just had to settle knowing he was back in his room. Thankfully, none of them bothered him that night. After a couple more hours, the Bulls returned to their respective rooms. Finral figured either Yami, Henry, or Luck had informed them that he was back and they had talked a bit before they exhausted themselves.

No matter…

Finral savored the alone time.

It gave time to think about the letters he planned to write. His mind was swirling, but he was dead set on this decision. Sleep was far from his mind. He had all the time in the world for that later. He sat at his desk and picked up his writing pen. He wrote what was in his heart and mind. In each letter… he poured his entire soul into… every word, every idea, every regret or advise… he wrote it.

It was liberating.

When he placed his pen down, Finral smiled.

He startled chuckling.

It felt good.

He couldn’t wait for tomorrow.

* * *

**oOo**

Asta was confused.

He was so worried that he barely slept last night, but it turned out his worry was for nothing. Finral was up really early and he was interacting like the past couple of days never happened. He was back to the same old Finral, but thanks to Yami teaching Asta _Ki_ , he knew something was off.

He wasn’t used to it yet, but it felt like a building pressure.

It bothered him.

Finral was attentive and polite. He conversed and no one else besides Asta, Noelle, Captain Yami, and Vanessa who found it a little odd. He ate breakfast with them like usual and took the teasing gags from his friends. After that, Magna and Luck were geared up to fight and Finral offered to port them to a training location.

“Hey Asta,” Noelle called.

Asta’s attention turned to her. “Yeah?”

“You look serious.”

“I do?”

Asta couldn’t read the expression on Noelle’s face. She leaned in close and whispered. “D-do you feel something weird going on too?”

“Like what?”

“With… Finral?”

Asta turned his attention back when Magna argued with Finral about a certain location, but Finral took it in stride and asked if Magna and Luck wanted the help or not. To which Magna resigned and grudgingly thanked him. Finral ported them and walked back to Vanessa to have a drink with her.

“He looks okay,” Asta mumbled. “But I can’t tell.”

“Good,” Noelle grimaced. “I can’t either.”

Asta opened his mouth, but suddenly, Noelle puffed out her cheeks.

“D-don’t get the wrong idea, okay.” She grumbled and crossed her arms. “I just saw you were looking at him and thought you had something in your mind. After the other day… and… the things we talked about—”

“Maybe I should ask him if he’s okay.”

“What?” Noelle grabbed him and tugged him out of earshot. “You can’t do that! Remember what Captain Yami said about giving him space?! He’s actually acting more like himself than he was the past couple of days! We can’t ruin that!”

Asta frowned. “But something doesn’t feel right.”

“It’s weird, but maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it.”

“I don’t know, Noelle.”

“Let’s just leave it alone.”

Asta played along even if it still nagged him. For the rest of the day, he silently observed Finral, who was still acting like nothing bad had happened. Magna and Luck came back looking like complete wrecks, leaving Vanessa to help stitch out their tattered clothes. Finral laughed at them, earning him some playful banter about him joining in their next fight.

“Next time,” Finral grinned.

Asta found it weird.

Why was he so… _agreeable_ today?

During lunch, Finral took the food Charmy made and said he would take it up to Henry, who was probably asleep. Asta told Finral that he could do it because it would save Finral from having his mana drained by Henry. However, Finral insisted and smiled at Asta.

“It’s okay,” He said. “I want to do it.”

Asta let him.

Finral came back, joking about feeling a little woozy from the mana drain. He said he wouldn’t attempt it again, but at least Henry was getting some magic and it might be any time soon when he’d start walking around.

Everyone was happy about it.

Asta still found it strange.

Later after lunch, Finral accompanied Vanessa to a short trip in nearby town to buy a few things. When they got back it was late in the afternoon. Magna and Luck had started a game with Gauche while Grey, Gordon, and Henry were their audience. Charmy had her special mana dish ready to replenish them since Henry was in the room. Noelle thought it was stupid when Magna tried to get her to join in.

“What are you playing?” Finral curiously asked. “Can I join?”

That question made Asta shiver.

The entire team, save Gordon, Grey, Asta, Noelle, and Yami were playing. Vanessa and Charmy were helping Henry. No one noticed Asta’s distraction. He stared at Yami, who was in the corner of the room, pretending to read his newspaper.

Actually, since this morning, Yami had kept to himself.

He wondered why.

When Finral was out of the game, Yami got out of his chair and called him. Yami was already halfway out of the door to the hallway when Finral got up and followed him. Asta couldn’t take it. The nagging feeling in his chest wouldn’t go away. So he moved to join them.

He heard their voices in the other hallway.

Slowly, Asta crept to the corner.

“What are you doing, Finral?” Yami asked. “I don’t want any bullshit.”

Finral shrugged, “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Cut the shit. I want the truth.”

“The truth,” Finral repeated as his expression numbed. “I’m tired, Yami.” He chuckled. “I don’t want to run anymore or complain. Nothing will change. I just want to feel a little bit better in the way I know how. Is that so wrong?”

Yami frowned. “You’re doing an awful job at making yourself feel better.”

“It’s the best I could do.”

“All I see you doing is indulging everyone else,” Yami mumbled. “How about a day just for you?”

Finral laughed. “That’s not far away at all.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning, at the moment, I’m a little happy.” He said with all honestly. “As happy as I _can_ be. So please don’t ruin today with questions. I’ll be fine tomorrow. I promise.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

Finral chuckled, feeling resigned.

“Thank you, Yami.” He softly said. “For giving me a chance.”

He didn’t wait for a response. Finral turned away and walked out. Yami sighed and inhaled a long one with his cigarette. He blew it in one long sigh. “I know you’re worried, but you’re eavesdropping…” Asta flinched as he moved into the light.

“Sorry,” Asta said. “Is… is he really okay?”

“Do you think he is?”

“No.”

They shared a moment of silence. Suddenly, Yami voiced, “If you’re that worried and won’t let it go. Then ask him.” Asta’s eyes widened at the approval. “You want to be Wizard King; it’s time you make a speech…”

Asta nodded and followed after Finral.

Yami stared at him and sighed, “Maybe you can talk some sense into him.”

* * *

**oOo**

Finral closed his eyes and embraced himself.

Out of everyone, Finral knew Yami was the most difficult one to fool. His Ki sensing was something Finral was never able to escape. He found it a little humorous, but at least Yami knew when he was crossing the line. At least his captain respected him enough to keep it a secret.

 _“Hang in there,”_ He told himself. _“It’s just a few more hours…”_

Finral took a couple more deep breaths before he decided that he should go back and spend time with everyone else. That idea was botched when he turned around to see Asta by the door.

“Asta,” He greeted. “Why aren’t you with the others?”

“I just…” Asta began. “C-can we talk?”

Finral smiled sadly. Apparently there was no escaping it. Yami had taught Asta Ki sensing, which Asta picked up really quickly. Finral was also good at picking up expressions and knew from the start of the day that Asta was troubled. He was such a sweet kid and Finral knew his plan wasn’t completely fool proof.

“Is the roof okay with you?”

Asta nodded.

Finral ported them to the highest point on the roof and Asta gasped when the cold wind hit his skin. His eyes sparkled as he moved around. Finral chuckled as he sat down over the edge. Asta copied him and sat a few feet from him.

“Wow,” Asta said. “You can see the coming sunset from here.”

“I usually go here to think.” Finral confessed.

“Thank you for the view.”

Finral smiled genuinely at him. “I should be thanking you,” He mumbled. “If it’s anyone I know… I really think you’ll be a great Wizard King someday. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” Finral quickly changed the subject before Asta could ask about the sudden encouragement. “So what did you want to talk about?”

“I just wanted to know if you’re okay.”

“I am.”

“It’s just that…” Asta rubbed the back of his neck and meekly chuckled. “I think your Ki is a little off. I’m still getting the hang of it, but it’s just—”

“I understand, Asta, but it’s nothing.”

“Even if it’s nothing,” Asta trembled and got serious. “Even if it’s nothing, I’m here for you. I know that I’m just new and I’m still getting to know everyone, but I’m really glad I met you and all the Bulls. Even if I have no magic… you believed in me and accepted me… and you were all chosen by Captain Yami and you’re all amazing in your own way—”

Asta rambled.

Finral wanted to tell him he was naïve, but he couldn’t bring himself to.

It was difficult to hear it from Asta’s mouth. It was so genuine and encouraging, and frankly quite endearing, but it was too late. Yet part of him wanted to talk… and pour his heart out. So he lifted a finger and placed it on Asta’s lip.

Asta quieted.

“If you want to know me, I can tell you a little about myself.”

Finral restrained himself from pouring his heart out to Asta, who listened intently when he told him about his past. He told Asta he was from a noble house and how difficult it was to handle the expectations that went along with it. He told him he had a genius little brother, who was now the vice-captain of the Golden Dawn.

He didn’t tell him everything.

Just the ones he felt were safe to let out.

He kept it short without naming any names— telling Asta he picked Yami as his captain and how he left his responsibilities to live his life the way he was living it now... _To live in the moment._ He kept it civil and safe for Asta’s ears. He didn’t cry or breakdown. Finral was past that. It was a broken record at this point. He didn’t need to tell Asta that he had meetings with his family on occasion until he was disowned or that he was verbally abused until now… or his dark thoughts— he kept that to himself.

“That’s it,” Finral said. “I don’t really have any goals like you do.”

“Even so,” Asta said. “Thank you for telling me.”

There was a moment of silence.

The sun was slowly going down and they both watched it; from blue to pink, orange to yellow… slowly turning to midnight as the stars popped out one by one… Finral paid close attention to it, taking every moment in.

“Wow,” Asta cried out. “The sunset was pretty.”

“It was.” Finral mumbled.

“D-do you feel better now?”

“A little,” He smiled. “Thank you, Asta.”

Luckily, Asta respected his privacy and didn’t pry when Finral didn’t tell any actual details other than a short summary of his life. Finral smiled, feeling a tinge of pain. He placed a hand on Asta’s head and thanked him.

“Remember,” Finral said. “I believe in you.”

He wished he believed in himself.

* * *

**oOo**

After their talk, they went back inside and joined the others for dinner.

Charmy had made a huge meal for everyone. They all gathered together including Henry, who connected his room to the common room. Everyone laughed and joked around. Asta also felt a little lighter after talking to Finral. Noelle was pissed she was left out, but she easily forgave Asta. The fun continued and everyone was playful and teasing. They all had a blast when they brought out the alcohol and started playing stupid games.

Yami could still feel Finral’s Ki was off, but he didn’t want to ruin everyone’s mood.

He also played along.

Vanessa, Magna, and the others drank to their hearts content. Gauche was pulled into doing crazy things while Grey copied anyone that was available. They played spin the bottle, but the game didn’t last… not when Noelle started using her magic to make a point.

At any other point in time, it would’ve been called one of the best days ever.

They partied late into the night.

When everyone was fast sleep or knocked out, Finral retired to his room and stared at the envelopes on his desk. He walked past it and trailed a finger on top of each one. He smiled and chuckled, thinking about how great today was.

But there was still one thing left to do…

Finral ported himself to the Golden Dawn.

It was fairly easy to port at the front door and state his purpose for visiting. After all, no one cared. He was led down the hall to the vice-captain, who was apparently still working at this late night in his study. The Golden Dawn member knocked for him and Langris answered, “Come in.”

Finral heard a brief exchanged between Langris and his subordinate.

“You’re free to go inside.”

Finral thanked the Golden Dawn member. He went in and closed the door. Langris stared at him and the moment of silence between them was painful. It was so stretched and gut-wrenching; that Finral didn’t think it would still hurt.

“Am I disturbing you?” Finral asked.

“Does it look like you are?” Langris retorted. “What do you want? I’m working.”

“I just wanted to see you.”

“You saw me. You can go now.”

Finral smiled sadly, knowing how difficult this was. They haven’t seen each other in a while now; couple of months, maybe more? Langris was so busy these days and Finral understood why. With the number of Golden Dawn members and Langris being vice-captain, of course it’ll take time but that was something Finral had none of.

“Can we talk?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Langris voiced. “I don’t want to hear it either.”

“R-right…”

“If you’re here to brag about your encounter in Nean, don’t bother. I already read the report about it. Such a shame… the one use you have and you couldn’t do it.”

“Yeah,” Finral lowered his eyes. “It’s unfortunate.”

“Is there anything else?”

“No.” He chuckled. “I really just wanted to see you.”

The next stretch of silence was Finral’s signal to leave. He knew nothing would come out of this encounter, but he wanted to try. After all, this was his last chance. He stared at Langris, who looked a little tired but otherwise well. It made his heart flutter. At least one of them was content. That was good enough for him.

Before Finral walked out of the door, he paused and thought about blurting out the words he had been practicing. It caught in his mouth. He looked back at Langris, but he was so busy.

Langris suddenly voiced, “Lock the door when you go out.”

Finral sighed and smiled.

“Goodbye, Langris.”

There was no reply. That was fine. He said what he needed to say. He did as asked and closed it behind him. The door was between him and Langris. Finral leaned back, closing his eyes in content. It felt wonderful.

Finral whispered the other words he couldn’t say.

“I’ll miss you.”

At least he won’t have any regrets.

Finral went back to his room in the Black Bulls’ base and sat on his bed for a while to reminisce. He had been called a coward many times, but he wasn’t going to run from this. Not anymore. So Finral got what he needed from under his bed and ported away.

He went to the beautiful spot on the hill near the Clover and Diamond border. Just beyond the hill was the first dungeon Asta and Noelle had tried to conquer. He placed his grimoire on the ground, sat at the bottom of the tree, and drifted in memory. Finral took in the fresh, cold air.

He waited for tomorrow’s sunrise.

When it came, he felt a sudden rush of energy.

It was _beautiful_.

Finral’s purple eyes sparkled as he gave one last look at the land and sky before he turned to the tree and the thick rope in his hand.

He chuckled and smiled.

_No regrets._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's still not over...
> 
> Feedback is appreciated~  
> Thank you!


	3. Surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This killed me...

The sunrise was beautiful.

It was an art form as the colors blended together in the sky. Against the sea of blue, pink, and yellow were silhouettes of gliding birds preparing for their first meal while the gentle breeze swept across the thin grass and the fragile leaves of the forest.

It was _beautiful._

Asta smiled and stretched.

He let his sword return to his grimoire as he picked up his shirt to wipe the grime off his body. That was it for his morning exercise. Everyone would wake up soon and breakfast would be ready for them. First, he had to take a shower and be presentable; the last time he went without one, Noelle made sure he was completely washed out.

“Last night was so fun,” Asta reminisced. “Do you think it’ll happen again today?”

Nero glided to a nearby rock and shook her head.

Asta chuckled. “You’re right, Nero. Everyone else might still be tired, but at least we had a great time. We played so many good games. Finral was really enjoying himself. There were times where he was sad, though. Did you notice that?”

Nero nodded.

“I hope he feels better today.”

The two of them shared their sentiments as they went back to base.

It was an hour later when Asta went back down to the common room. Everyone was up by now. Magna and Luck were still their usual selves as they chased each other around, hurling magical attacks whenever they could. Some of the Bulls were hungover while others were still half asleep. Even Henry was downstairs in his connecting room.

Out of all of them, Yami was the normal one as he read his daily newspaper.

However, Asta noticed something strange.

“Where’s Finral?”

“He’s probably still asleep.” Vanessa yawned. “He stayed up later than all of us.”

“He’ll miss breakfast.” Asta muttered. “I’ll wake him.”

Noelle stood up and flipped her hair. “I’ll go with you.” She declared, not waiting for Asta to approve as she moved towards him. Asta just smiled. Then Nero dropped from the railing and plopped herself on Asta’s head. Noelle thought it was cute and adorable.

“Oh, you want to come too, Nero?” Asta grinned. “Let’s go.”

The three of them walked out of the room.

* * *

**oOo**

As they went up the stairs, Asta and Noelle reminisced about last night’s party. Even Noelle admitted it was the most fun she had. Although, the two of them agreed that Finral looked like he was trying too hard to join in. They decided they would ask if he felt any better. If not, they would just try and cheer him up again.

They paused for a moment, realizing they were lost.

“Why do the rooms have to switch anyway?!” Noelle complained. “It’s not like an intruder will try and walk into a Magic Knight’s base.”

“Maybe we should’ve asked Henry.” Asta chuckled. “Or Luck and Captain Yami…’

“It’s fine, we got this.”

After a while, Nero got tired of watching them walk around in circles. She flew and guided them to where she believed Finral’s room was. Eventually, they do manage to find the floor Finral’s room was on. The two of them stared at each other. Noelle gestured to Asta, who just looked confused.

“He’s not in there.”

“What?” Noelle blinked. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t sense his Ki.”

“Are you sure?” She asked. “Maybe you’re just imagining it.” She knocked on the door with impatience. “Finral! Wake up! Breakfast is almost ready! You’re the only one who isn’t up!” She continued to knock, getting irritated by the second. “Finral! Open the door!”

“He’s not inside.” Asta said. “Maybe he went out.”

“At this early in the morning?”

“I don’t know.”

“This is ridiculous.” Noelle huffed. “We’re not letting him stew any longer.” She raised her voice and cried out, "I’m coming in whether you like it or not, Finral! I’ll even break the door down!” She hoped the empty threat was enough, but there was still nothing.

Noelle grumbled, tried the door knob, and was surprised to find it open.

She pushed it wide and gasped.

“I expected a little more green.” She stepped inside without a care. “Looks like he’s not here.”

“Noelle,” Asta whined. “We shouldn’t be in here.”

“It’s fine, quit it.”

Nero flew out of Asta’s hair and dropped on top of Finral’s desk. She tilted her head and started flapping her wings to get their attention. She tapped the pile of envelopes next to the neatly arranged paperwork on the desk. Noelle, who was closer, picked it up and shuffled through them. Asta moved next to her to look at it.

They were white envelopes tied with thin, red strings and were covered with the Black Bull’s wax seal.

Noelle mumbled, “They’re for us.”

“You’re right,” Asta said, picking up a letter from Noelle’s hand. “They’re addressed to all the Bulls. All our names are here. This is for Big Sister Vanessa… and that one’s for Captain Yami.” Noelle handed him the rest and Asta shuffled through. His face scrunched in confusion when he didn’t recognize one of the names.

“What’s wrong, Asta?”

“Noelle, do you know who this is for?”

He handed her the letter. “Langris Vaude.” Noelle mumbled. “I don’t know him personally, but I do know a couple of things about the Vaude family. They’re high nobles who are Spatial Magic users. It could be one of Finral’s relatives.”

“Oh,” Asta said. “He must be Finral’s little brother.”

“How can you be sure?”

“When we talked yesterday before dinner, Finral mentioned his little brother a lot. It sounded like he really loves him. So this might be him. He never gave me any names though. Besides, he’s the only one that’s not a Black Bull.” Asta piled the envelopes back together. “Should we hand these over?”

“What?” Noelle panicked. “No, that’s rude.”

“But our names are on here.”

Noelle debated the idea.

Finral was nowhere to be found and finding letters addressed to them was a bad sign. Yet his room looked completely clean. It didn’t look like he took anything other than his robe and grimoire. “D-do you think he ran away?” Noelle wondered. “I mean… no one just leaves letters lying around with people’s names on them. W-what do you think?”

“Should I read mine?” Asta asked. “It could give us a clue.”

“I don’t know, Asta.”

Unsure and a little troubled, Asta decided to trust his gut. He pried off the wax seal and tugged at the thin, red string. He pulled out the letter and read it. Every second that he read the letter, he started to pale. His hands were shaking, nearly crumpling the piece of paper. When he finished it, he stood frozen, trying to process everything.

Noelle whispered, “Asta, are you okay?”

Suddenly, Asta grabbed the rest of the envelopes and made a beeline for the door.

Completely surprised, Noelle ran after him. Nero caught up to her and plopped herself on Noelle’s shoulders. “Asta! What happened?!” Noelle cried out. “Why are you running?! What was in the letter anyways?”

“It’s a goodbye letter!” Asta shouted.

Noelle gasped, “H-he wouldn’t just leave us…”

Asta quickened his pace as he flew down a flight of stairs. Noelle kept telling him to slow down and tell her more, but Asta kept going. Noelle managed to catch up to him as he barreled down the common room where everyone was seated together and were just waiting for them.

“Is Finral not up yet?” Vanessa asked.

“Finral’s gone!” Asta screamed, gaining everyone’s attention. “I think he ran away and isn’t coming back!”

“R-ran away?” Magna choked. “What are you talking about?”

“Maybe he just went out.” Gauche grumbled. “You’re making a big deal out of it.”

“He’s not!” Noelle panted. “We found letters on Finral’s desk.”

“They’re all addressed to us.” Asta handed them out to everyone, even Noelle. “I read mine and it’s a goodbye letter.” Everyone was confused as they started ripping apart the envelope to see what was written in their letter.

Everyone had gone silent.

The more they read it, the more their faces contorted into what pain felt like.

It wasn’t just a goodbye letter… it was a _thankyou_ letter.

Inside were stories and memories of the time they spent together and the reason why he couldn’t take it anymore… Inside, he asked each of them not to blame themselves or live in regret. He gave them different types of advice and told them he would miss them… in each one, he praised, thanked, and told them that he believed in them.

Yami wasn’t even halfway into his letter when he stood up.

“Find him!” He growled. “I don’t care how!”

Asta replied, “But Finral could be anywhere…”

“I don’t care. I want you all out of this base and come back with him in tow!”

The Bulls watched as Yami took his broom and flew out of the door and into the sky. Everyone was quiet and subdued as they finished reading the letters. Magna had taken his glasses off and was wiping his eyes, mumbling about Finral’s feelings. Next to him, Luck was quiet, still rereading his letter and was unsure of how to respond.

Magna opened, “I never knew he felt like this.”

“W-what do we do now?” Noelle wondered. “Asta’s right, Finral could be anywhere in the Clover Kingdom. What if he doesn’t want to see us?”

“We can’t leave him out there.” Asta said. “We need to find him.”

Gauche voiced, “Maybe he’s at a place he loves.”

“He might be at a café,” Vanessa said, wiping tears off her cheeks. “Or in one of the places he takes people out for dates, like Mount Anahu, the Clover fields, or maybe the glowing silver lagoon? M-maybe someone can look around the small towns in the Noble realm or maybe at the Royal Capital? Finral likes to explore sometimes.”

“That’s like narrowing it down to nothing.” Magna mumbles. “He can be anywhere at any time.”

“And there’s just a few of us.” Luck added.

Charmy asked, “Do you think he went back home?”

“Maybe not.” Asta mumbled. “I don’t think he’s comfortable going back to Tota.”

“Someone can try and look there.” Vanessa said as she folded Finral’s letter back in the envelope. “Maybe Finral thinks it’s the least suspicious place to find him.”

“Wait,” Noelle asks. “Who’s going to stay with Henry?”

“I’m… fine.” Henry declared. “Go… after… him.”

“It’s settled.” Vanessa said. “We’re not going back until we find Finral; even if it takes the whole day. I have a few other places where he might be at. I’ll just go and change.” She wiped her eyes and stumbled to the door. Everyone else had gotten up to get their brooms and tucked the letter in their pockets.

Breakfast had to wait.

“Asta,” Noelle tugged his sleeves. “Where do we start?”

There was one thing Asta had in mind.

“The Golden Dawn,” Asta said. “Finral said his brother was the vice-captain. Maybe he knows where he might’ve gone.” Then he gestured out the door. “Come on, Noelle.” They ran out of the door and saw Gordon, Gauche, and Grey already up in the air and flying in different directions. Luck was already speeding away too and it was just Magna yelling at Luck to wait for him.

“Wait,” Asta called. “Could you give us a ride?”

“Asta, Noelle.” Magna said. “Sure... where are you headed?”

“The Golden Dawn.”

* * *

**oOo**

Yami was devastated.

When Asta said Finral had run away, Yami wasn’t sure if it was real or not. When he read the letter, realization hit him. It didn’t feel like a letter from someone who wanted to run away. No. The words Finral told in his letter, they were words of someone who wanted an escape...

Someone who wanted _peace._

Then Yami remembered their conversation yesterday.

In the dark hallway of the base, the two of them stood. The lines under Finral’s eyes and the tense movement of his body should’ve been an indication. It should’ve been enough for Yami to have given more thought on his hesitation to bring up the subject. Finral had looked tired, exhausted… like he just wanted an end… but Yami hesitated…

_“All I see you doing is indulging everyone else,” Yami mumbled. “How about a day just for you?”_

_Finral laughed. “That’s not far away at all.”_

_“Meaning?”_

_“Meaning, at the moment, I’m a little happy.” He said with all honesty. “As happy as I **can** be. So please don’t ruin today with questions. I’ll be fine tomorrow. I promise.”_

_“I’ll be the judge of that.”_

_Finral chuckled, feeling resigned._

_“Thank you, Yami.” He softly said. “For giving me a chance.”_

Yami gritted his teeth as everything started to make sense. He knew something was wrong, but he still denied it… still hesitated. Finral was always teetering over the edge. He was a sensitive, sweet, and loveable guy. He was honest, playful, and kind to a fault. Yami had seen Finral rock back and forth with his depression. He thought he had finally helped him gain some ground to fight it… but apparently he was wrong.

_I thought I told you to tell me if it gets worse._

_Don’t worry, I’ll get over it._

No.

Yami didn’t think he ever did. He thought he had gotten everything right, down to letting Finral realize and know that he was there for him. He tried to let him get some help… he was there for him at times, but Yami now realized he might not have been there all the time. He never wanted to be overbearing… he didn’t know how these things worked… He never had to deal with anything so emotional before.

Yami thought it was just one of those days.

Now, he wasn’t even sure.

Yami would never forgive himself if something happened to Finral. He really hoped Asta was right and Finral had run away. But something… the sick feeling in his gut… told him that Asta might not be right. That one day, Yami was going to live and regret this day. He closed his eyes, fists clenched as he tried not to think about the consequences…

He needed to see Julius.

“Please be alive, Finral.” Yami begged to whoever would hear. “Please be alive.”

* * *

**oOo**

Asta and Noelle were given a ride on Magna’s crazy cyclone.

They weren’t sure where the Golden Dawn was because it was usually Finral and Yami who went there for meetings, but they did manage to get there after asking someone for directions. As soon as they dropped down the gate, Asta told them it was an emergency and they needed to see Langris Vaude.

The Golden Dawn attendant guided them to Langris’ office.

The attendant spoke to his vice-captain before Langris let all three of the Bulls in and dismissed his subordinate. Asta, Noelle, Magna, and even Nero were a bit shaken when they stared at Langris. He looked a little like Finral, but the way he looked at them was completely different.

Where Finral’s eyes were soft and kind, Langris’ was sharp and curt.

“A-are you Finral’s little brother?” Asta asked.

“Why are you asking?” Langris said. “It’s not like it matters.”

“Finral’s missing.”

Langris tenses a little, but he covered it up with disdain.

“Really?” He scoffed, voice tightening as he tried to stop his fist from clenching. “Did he run away again? I thought he liked having fun and running free with the Black Bulls. I never would’ve thought he was the kind of person to run from you too… to think six years… down the drain.” As he said that, Asta noticed that it wasn’t really meant.

It was more like Langris was trying to convince himself than him convincing them.

“He wrote a letter for all of us.” Asta said. “This one is for you.”

Langris took the envelope, but didn’t open it. He stared at the red string and the Black Bull’s wax seal. He turned it over and saw his name neatly written in his brother’s handwriting. He placed it on top of one of the piles of paperwork on his desk.

“Is this all you came here for?”

“Do you know where Finral might be?”

“No,” Langris went. “But I saw him last night.”

“L-last night?” Magna gasped. “He went over here?!”

“Why does that sound surprising?” Langris grimaced, feeling a little confused about the Bull’s lack of knowledge. “Yes, he came by to talk to me, but I was busy. He caught me at a work night. He didn’t really say anything other than he wanted to see me, and he left afterwards. That’s it.”

“He must’ve gone somewhere else,” Noelle said.

“That’s not my concern anymore.”

“Aren’t you going to open the letter?” She asked. “There might be some clues inside it to where he may have gone. Or if you know any place where he could be?”

“Please,” Asta begged. “All the Bulls are out looking for him.”

“Even Captain Yami.” Magna added.

“I’m not reading this in front of you.” Langris said, eyes narrowing. “My brother runs away all the time. It’s not the first and certainly not the last. He only thinks about himself and runs away without considering anyone else’s feelings on the matter; it’s basically his lifestyle. Now if you excuse me, unlike the rest of you, I have a squad to handle. You can see yourself out.”

The Bulls frowned as they left.

When the door closed, Noelle huffed, “He’s awful.”

“He doesn’t know where Finral is either.” Asta sighed. “Maybe we should look somewhere else.”

“Come on,” Magna said. “We can cover more ground if we leave now.”

Behind the closed door, Langris immediately grabbed the letter and ripped it open to read. There were two letters… one was addressed to him while the other was addressed to Lady Finesse. Langris grimaced as he set aside Lady Finesse’s letter and read his own. The more he did, the paler he got. It wasn’t that long, but it felt like it.

Langris gritted his teeth as he crunched the paper under his fingers.

It was in past tense.

Langris tried to take slow, deep breaths and hoped it was just a joke, but he knew Finral. He never made jokes, especially anything as serious as this. This letter was a goodbye… a horrible, painfully sweet goodbye and hidden inside it was Finral trying to comfort him. It pissed him off. He trembled as he tried to think what would’ve been the reason for Finral leaving.

Better yet, what made Finral go to him last night and then go missing later on?

_I just really wanted to see you._

_Goodbye, Langris._

Langris gritted his teeth. No. It wasn’t a joke. He wasn’t going to risk staying and thinking about it either. Besides, he knew some of the things that triggered Finral to leave. The letter in his hand may not have said it straight out, but Langris' gut instincts were just as good. He threw the letter over his desk and made a beeline to the door.

Asta, Noelle, and Magna were arguing over where to go next when they noticed someone swoop past them in the sky. They covered their eyes to look and Asta pointed, “That’s Finral’s brother.”

“Where is he going?” Noelle asked.

Asta mumbled, “He must’ve read the letter.”

“That’s good,” Magna huffed. “At least there’s one more person looking for Finral.”

Noelle and Magna went back to arguing on where to go. Asta was silent. He was trying to think of where Finral would be, but he came up blank. He hadn’t really known Finral that well. Possibly no one did. He felt awful. The gnawing feeling made his stomach churn.

He hoped Finral was okay.

* * *

**oOo**

They couldn’t find him.

It was late at night when they all went back to the base, completely exhausted and worried sick. None of them could find any clues. When Yami returned later than everyone else, he told them that he spoke to Julius, who would help find Finral. Yami also found out that the Golden Dawn was willing to offer their services to keep an eye out for him.

Apparently, Langris had also alerted Vangeance after he went back to Tota to talk to his parents.

The Bulls tried to devise a plan…

Yami didn’t participate.

He stayed outside, where he could finish off an entire box of cigarette in peace. He wanted to cry… but he wasn’t losing hope. He never believed in fate or destiny… but he so desperately wanted to believe in miracles.

He couldn’t give up; he would just be lying to himself if he did.

The Bulls waited, even stayed in the common room in case Finral ported back. When Yami went back inside, they were all fast asleep, sharing the couches with each other. Yami felt a sting on his chest that he never thought he would experience.

They waited, but nothing happened.

In the following days, the bulls went out and looked for Finral.

They searched anywhere and everywhere. Even some of the Magic Knights from different squads were deployed just to look for him. Rumors flew about, mostly done out of fear. It was dangerous to lose track of a spatial mage who could port to almost anywhere in the Clover Kingdom. Not only could it be a potential threat if he was kidnapped or manipulated, but it was a huge loss considering that Finral was still a spatial mage with potential.

A week passed and they were slowly losing hope.

Until someone knocked at their door…

Yami was already up on his feet.

His Ki sensing was heightened and he already knew who was at the door. He just wondered why. He opened the door and stepped out to let them enter. The Bulls tensed and some of them gasped when two people walked in.

“W-wizard King,” Asta called.

“What’s he doing here?” Noelle wondered.

“At any other time, this would’ve been a social visit.” Julius voiced. His tone was grave and serious. “Allow me to introduce Marx, my advisor.”

Marx bowed his head and looked away.

“I would’ve called Yami over for a meeting, but I think it’s better if the news came from me. I couldn’t let anyone else deliver it and I couldn’t let Yami say it either.”

Yami huffed, “Is it good news?”

“Please, Yami, I would like you to sit down for this.”

“I’ll stand. Thanks.”

“I cannot apologize to you enough.” Julius said as he faced all of the Bulls with a serious face. “A life as a Magic Knight is difficult, more so a captain who cares about his squad. We are all faced with challenges, not just in our profession but in our daily lives. Yet there would be some things that none of us would ever be prepared for. For Yami’s sake and the rest of you, I won’t dance around this. However, I must say there’s no easy way to deliver this news.”

The Bulls tensed.

“Yesterday, three members of the Purple Orcas were patrolling the North West border of Clover and Diamond. On a hill near the dungeon that appeared several months ago, the Purple Orca’s found your missing teammate, Finral Roulacase—”

He wasn’t able to finish when the Bulls started talking over each other.

They were asking questions left and right. The worry in their voices stung. Judging from the looks in their eyes, many of them had probably cried themselves to sleep. This wasn’t easy for anyone, definitely not for them.

Julius raised his hand.

They quieted.

“Julius,” Yami spoke up. “You said they found Finral. “

“They did.” He softly said. “Forgive me, Yami. I know how you feel and what you think. This isn’t easy to tell as it won’t be easy to hear.” Julius could see Yami shaking slightly. “I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but I had hoped this choice of mine would take the burden off of your shoulders.”

“Tell me.”

“Finral Roulacase is dead.”

Yami froze, as did the rest of the Black Bulls. No one spoke and the silence stretched for who knows how long. The air got colder and Julius could see denial in their faces. Julius lowered his head, giving them a moment to take the information in.

“What else?” Yami bravely asked.

“They found him hanging from a tree, lifeless… decaying…” Julius whispered. The silence was strong enough for him to be heard. “His grimoire was gone and the only thing recognizable was the Black Bull’s robe over his shoulders. They brought him back to the medical tower and from their analysis; he had been there for a week.”

Julius gestured over to Marx, who pulled something out of his bag.

He handed it to Julius, who offered it to Yami.

“We had it cleaned, but it’s still intact.” Julius said, feeling his heart break at the look Yami had given it. Yami took the Black Bull’s robe that once belonged to Finral. “We already contacted his relatives. His brother, Langris Vaude, is already at the medical tower. As a Magic Knight, Finral’s… _funeral_ will be arranged. He’s still being prepared… and I advise against seeing him in the state he is in, but I won’t stop you—”

Yami didn’t wait for him to finish.

He walked out of the door, needing some time for himself.

Julius knew Yami would let loose, destroying and releasing his frustrations far away where his squad wouldn’t see him. Yami may not admit or show it, but he was just as emotional as any other being in this world. Julius knew it won’t be painless for Yami… if it won’t be for him… it won’t be for the rest of the Black Bulls who seemed to love their dear friend.

“Vanessa!” Noelle called out.

Julius watched as Vanessa ran out of the room in a sobbing mess.

The rest of the Bulls were quiet, fuming, in denial, and just confused. Some of them comforted each other, while others kept to themselves. Julius empathized with them. It was never easy, knowing that someone took their own life because the world was cruel and unforgiving.

No.

It was _never_ going to be easy.

“We will take our leave now.” Julius announced, but no one cared. Not when their loved one was gone forever. Julius and Marx moved to the door, but Asta pushed himself off the couch and followed after them. He was crying too.

He tried to speak, but Julius stopped him.

“You did what you could, Asta.” He declared. “You did enough.”

Cob was waiting outside, holding a spatial door open for them. Marx went on ahead, but Julius turned to Asta and said, “If Yami comes back; please tell him that there would be no missions for the Black Bulls for the next couple of days.”

Asta nodded, wiping his tears.

“T-thank you for telling us, Wizard King.”

“As I said before, a life of a Magic Knight is difficult, and I cannot apologize enough for the future it holds.” He whispered. “The coming days will never be as calm as it used to be, but don’t let it swallow you. Grieve, but do not live in regret. The pain will eventually numb…”

With that, Julius walked away.

The portal disappeared.

Asta cradled himself as he sank to his knees. Nero plopped on his left shoulder and nuzzled his neck to comfort him. Asta sobbed and found soft hands wrap around him as Noelle joined him. Asta wept and so did Noelle. It was painful, so very painful and almost numbing… Everything that happened yesterday started to make sense.

There was nothing they could do but surrender.

* * *

**oOo**

Two days, they grieved and kept to themselves.

Magna and Luck comforted each other by fighting and letting all of their frustrations out. Gauche, for once, wasn’t looking at Marie’s picture. He kept to himself, but he was angry… angry at himself. Grey had taken off her disguise and while everyone was surprised, they were still numb from the pain to react. Grey was fine with it. She found some comfort in Gordon’s silence as Gordon did from hers. Charmy, barely ate her usual portion… she was one of the most affected.

Vanessa wouldn’t give anyone time.

She wept and locked herself in her room. They would, at times, hear her crying loudly. It made sense since Finral was her closest friend. They were practically best friends. It was painful… so very painful to lose Finral.

Asta and Noelle talked to each other.

They decided they wouldn’t hide from this.

There was no shame in crying or letting out their feelings. Eventually, Asta managed to convince Noelle to help him gather the rest of the Bulls for them to talk. He argued that they need to let it out and not bottle it in.

After all, they all grieved for Finral.

Listening to Asta’s request, they gathered in the common room. It had been difficult to convince them to share, but they all knew the elephant in the room. Asta went first as he shared the good memories he had of Finral. As he went on, everyone else joined in, sharing their thoughts as they cried together.

They spent hours and hours talking and sharing everything they could about what they knew about Finral or what they noticed or felt for him.

Yami kept his distance.

He grieved.

Yami had destroyed an entire forest beyond the Black Bull’s base and it still wasn’t enough to quell his anger at himself. He should’ve known… could’ve prevented it…. Eventually, Yami wore himself down and paid his respects in a prayer. Later, he visited Julius and spoke to him, asking for details about the funeral.

After asking the details, Yami walked away.

Julius let him.

That night, Yami spoke to the Bulls. His voice was rough, like he had been yelling at the sky for who knows how long. “Finral’s funeral will be tomorrow morning.” He announced. “We’re still Magic Knights and there’s still a terrorist group running around Clover… we can’t stay inactive for too long. We have to be prepared for the worst.”

But they all knew nothing was as worse as this.

“I suggest everyone get some sleep tonight. It would be a long day tomorrow.”

* * *

**oOo**

The funeral was a quiet one, not many people attended.

The Black Bulls stood together on one side. Yami stood next to Julius and Marx, and there were a couple of mages in attendance because Julius was there. Surprisingly, Finral’s family wasn’t around. None of them were. It made the Bulls angry, but they kept it to themselves.

Many of the Bulls wept when Finral’s coffin was placed beneath the ground.

“Does anyone want to say anything?” Julius asked.

Yami walked forward, and let the robe fall on top of the coffin. “This was yours since I met you. I’m not about to take it away just to keep it as a reminder.” He closed his eyes, voice threatening to break. “It would never be the same without you.”

Vanessa stepped forward and wept.

“You will always be my best friend.” She whimpered as she let her thread magic drop a bouquet of flowers on top of the robe. “I’ll miss you. I hope you’re happy where you are now.”

Not everyone stepped forward to talk.

Some dropped flowers and bowed their heads in respect. Even Nero added a blue flower she picked herself. Noelle had whispered her goodbye, and Asta walked forward. He said, “Thank you for believing in me and for being part of my life. And I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I swear I won’t give up… I’ll do my best and become Wizard King so that people like you don’t have to suffer like this!”

He bowed and wiped the tears off his face.

The mages in attendant covered up the ground and the tombstone was placed above it. They let Charmy place the vase full of flowers from each of them next to the tombstone. They said their last goodbyes and later, the number of people dwindled.

“Thank you,” Yami said. “For coming here.”

“I’m here for you, Yami.” Julius said. “If you want to talk, I’m always available.”

“I know, but it’s good to hear.”

“I’ll leave you and your squad alone.”

Julius, Marx, and the rest of the mages left. Asta was staring at Yami, who caught his wandering eyes. Yami sighed and gestured for Asta to come over. Asta approached with caution, but Yami wasn’t in his usual playful mood. Before Asta could talk, the rest of the Bulls moved to Yami.

“We’re going now,” Vanessa said, wiping her eyes. “We’ll visit here from time to time. We’re all just… tired.”

Yami nodded and let them leave one by one.

“Asta, are you coming?” Noelle asked.

“You can go ahead.” Asta said. “I just want to talk to Captain Yami.”

“If… if you say so.”

They were alone. Asta sighed, “I miss him. When I became a Magic Knight, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy… and the consequences… I thought I would be able to handle it… the battle… the pain… but this is…. This is different. I didn’t think I would lose one of my friends like this.”

“Neither do I,” Yami closed his eyes. Asta felt Yami’s hand over his head. “If you have problems, Kid, don’t hesitate to ask. Sometimes you need people to get through and pass your limits. Maybe I was just too late and that he was already far too gone”

Asta disagreed. “You did everything you could.”

“He looked like he was getting better… but then he wasn’t.” He sighed, pulling away. “I didn’t do enough. I could’ve done more. Just let it rest, Kid.” Then Yami stared at him. “You’ll do good. Your heart’s in it and Finral believed in you. Trust in that.”

Yami walked away, unable to bear more.

Asta realized that Finral must’ve left something in Yami’s letter. He looked back at Finral’s grave and decided he didn’t want to leave yet. So Asta sat on the ground, facing Finral’s tombstone and reminisced for a while.

Suddenly, Asta felt something.

He looked up to see Langris fly down on his broom. Behind him was a lady, embracing him from behind. She was already weeping. When they dropped down, the lady nearly ran to Finral’s grave and wept. She placed a gentle hand on the grave and slumped forward in tears.

“I’m sorry,” She said. “I’m so sorry I’m late.”

Langris clenched his fists and trembled.

He dragged Asta away where they could talk in private. “I hate you!” Langris growled. “I hate that you let this happen to my brother… You were supposed to be his friends! You were supposed to look after him!”

“We didn’t ask for this!” Asta cried out. “You weren’t even here for the funeral!”

“Do you know why I was late?” He yelled and angry tears fell from his eyes as he shook Asta. “Do you?! My stupid parents wouldn’t even visit. They said they were done with my brother a long time ago and that my brother was weak for taking his own life! I couldn’t even convince them and they tried to stop me from attending—”

Langris voice got weak as he slumped against Asta.

“I know what happened…” He whispered. “… why my brother took his life.”

Asta’s eyes widened.

“My father had a conversation with him. My father wouldn’t say, but he degraded him. In my brother’s last letter, he apologized for not being strong enough to take the challenge.” Langris’ fists clawed against Asta’s clothes. “I hate my father more than anyone else, including the rest of you.”

“I don’t know what to say…”

“Do you know what else happened?” He bitterly laughed. “When I got out of that place, I went to Lady Finesse to fetch her. She wanted to see Finral.” Asta looked at the lady as Langris continued. “The letter you gave me from my brother… it had a letter for her for me to give. When I gave it to her, she nearly collapsed. I had to make sure she was okay before I took her out.”

Langris pulled away.

Asta frowned. “Is she alright?”

“I don’t know.” He said as he looked back at her. “Did you know we’re engaged? I knew… from the very beginning… that she loved him. She loved my brother…” He said. “And that they probably loved each other.”

“I’m sorry.” Asta said.

“What does it matter?” Langris asked, wiping away the angry tears. “They were supposed to be the ones paired and engaged, but my brother’s dead now. He won’t be able to take care of his responsibilities…. The responsibilities that were supposed to be meant for him…”

“You can’t blame him.”

“There’s no point whether I blame him or not. I only mocked him because I wanted him to take over and get better... maybe take things seriously… I hated him for a while, when he left everything to me. I _never_ … wanted this to happen to him. He never told me what he felt. He never opened up about it. If he did… I could’ve done _something_ … anything…”

“I don’t know what to tell you.” Asta lowered his gaze.

“Don’t bother.”

“If I’m honest… I don’t know Finral that well.”

“Apparently, neither did I.” Langris said as he turned away from him, mood still dark and gloomy. “Don’t bother seeking revenge. It’s not worth it. I thought about it... And knowing my dead brother, if just a little bit, he wouldn’t want that. If you’ll excuse me… we want some time alone."

Asta left them.

When he was far away, Asta looked up at the sky.

It wasn’t just Finral who surrendered to his emotions. After his passing, everyone else followed and surrendered with him. Their beliefs and their resolves were questioned day in and day out. It was a test of strength and will to survive… and it felt like a losing battle.

But they were there for each other.

It was painful, but the pain would one day numb. While it was easier for some, it was worse for others, but with their duties as Magic Knights, their pain never lasted.

They were only buried.

But once the calmness subsided, a storm followed.

It wasn’t the end.

Not yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm crying... *sobs* I'll see you in the next part of the series~
> 
> Please review and tell me what you think~ Thank you!


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